Not yet ready

So I've been giving a lot of thought to quitting smoking.  I'm 30, and have been a smoker for nearly 15 years, almost half my life.  I've tried before, using all sorts of different methods: I've patched up, popped lozenges, chewed some nasty-ass gum, all to no avail.  Sure, I've managed to sting a few months here and there together butt free, but I always find myself landing right back in flavor country, like I'm stuck in some sci-fi time loop.

As I get older, I can feel the effects more and more: the constant fatigue and low energy, a diminished sex drive, stinky-breath-syndrome (that's totally a thing, right?).  And during those brief intermissions where I have managed to not smoke?  I can feel the difference there, too.  Within a few short days, my energy levels rise, sex drive revs up, I sleep better and feel more rested.  Simply put, I'm living the cons of being the smoker, and have walked in the valley of the smoke-free.  So why am I still lighting up?

I think there's a simple answer to that last question, I'm just not ready.  Not yet, at this very moment, at least.  I'd say that it's all a mystery, that I don't know what my hold up is, but that'd be a lie, wouldn't it?  First, I'm addicted.  I'm not a casual smoker; it's a full blown thing.  So trust me when I say, breaking that addiction is so much easier said than done.  I know that when I am actually ready to butt-out, the long-lasting pangs of withdraw is a beast I'm going to have to face head on.  There's no easy way out there.

Second, it's just out right comforting.  Whenever I sit down to write, am behind the wheel for a long drive (and I have a long daily commute to and from work), or settle in to watch a movie, a cigarette seems the perfect complement.  Even more than breaking the physical addiction, this is the part that is going to be the hardest to let go of.

But as I write this now, listing to the clickety-clack of the keys under my fingers, I am aware that all I'm doing is enumerating excuses.  So far, I've only listed two items as to why I just can't let go to the little cancer sticks, and if I really put my mind to it, I could wilt away the hours filling pages of "reasons" (read: excuses) as to why I just can't stop lighting up.  But I know I want to, and better yet, I know that when I really put my mind to something and really get to it, there's little that can stop me from achieving what I want.

So while I may not be ready now, I know the day is coming.  And, dear internet, I know that like many others before me, I ask a lot of you, but if you have any words of advise, wisdom, or encouragement, I most certainly could use them.  I started this blog because I've become sick and tired of procrastinating, of letting excuses rule my life.  This blog, this very post, is a step.  And while I may only be moving in baby-steps now, I think I feel a full on sprint coming.  I have the finish line in my sights, and every step is a step closer.

Like I said, I know that I'm not ready to quit just yet, but I do know, with ever growing certainty, that I'm ready to be ready, if that makes any sense.